


Last Christmas (And the one before that, and the many, many, many ones before that)

by lyn7



Series: Love Songs In December [2]
Category: Super Junior, Super Junior-M
Genre: Christmas Angst, Christmas Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 05:18:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2839439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyn7/pseuds/lyn7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which qmi is a sad Christmas song, Zhou mi falls in unrequited love and Kyuhyun doesn't at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Christmas (And the one before that, and the many, many, many ones before that)

_“Merry Christmas”_

This year, Zhou mi is in China.

The clock had just struck midnight in Korea, Zhou mi knows this because he’s calculated the one hour time difference all too carefully.

He sends the simple message and slips the phone back into his pocket, one of his friends is crooning “Last Christmas” into the crappy karaoke mic in an equally crappy Chinese accent.

He tries to laugh with his friends, drinking and singing happily and tries to ignore the weight resting so perfectly still in his pocket.

When the clock strikes midnight in China, the few of his still sober friends wish him a Merry Christmas, there’s no kissing or mistletoes because it’s China. When all of his friends fall asleep- sprawled out over each other on the sticky floors of the ktv, Zhou mi searches “Last Christmas” on the machine and puts on every single version of the song. He falls asleep to Taylor Swift’s version.

_Last Christmas I gave you my heart_

_But the very next day you gave it away_

 

_Him and Kyuhyun meet in a college freshmen Christmas party._

_Years back, the first Christmas Zhou mi spends away from home._

_The party was so crowded they wouldn’t even have caught each other’s eye if it weren’t for the mischievous trio Eunhyuk, Donghae and Henry hanging the mistletoe above their heads with matching smug grins._

_Kyuhyun shrugs and pulls Zhou mi into a kiss; it was soft and chaste at first._ _Until Kyuhyun’s tongue pushes past his lips and swirls_ just right _to make Zhou mi’s knees weaken. They pull apart to catcalls and wolf whistles and Kyuhyun gives him a smirk before he slips away into the crowd once again._

_A few hours later, Zhou mi is drunk and drowsy when he feels a tug on his sleeve._

_Dark eyes are looking at him and he is lead away by a soft pull, Zhou mi stumbles after him a bit too eagerly._

_Kyuhyun whispers sweet nothings into his ear as he pushes into him, fucks him against Sungmin’s bathroom door with earnest until Zhou mi comes with his name on his lips. He rides his orgasm out and kisses Zhou mi’s neck tenderly._

_“Merry Christmas, it was nice meeting you, Zhou mi.” was all he heard before he passed out._

_Sungmin wakes him up the next morning with a desperate shake “You guys have to go, my parents are coming back!” he hisses, Zhou mi pulls on his pants and scampers, Kyuhyun is no where in sight._

 

He wakes up on Christmas morning with several messages on his phone, from friends, coworkers, distant relations.

All with carefully typed out sweet messages of blessing. He deletes them all, and keeps only one.

_“You too.”_

He smiles as he reads it over again, and before falling asleep once more on the KTV couch.

It would do for now, because Zhou mi knows a week later the same will happen. Only the message he sent would have been “Happy New Year” instead.

 

_He meets Kyuhyun again after New Years, at school._

_I_ _t wasn’t awkward at all, since Kyuhyun keeps quiet about the night, only letting Zhou mi know he remembers with a knowing smirk he flashes him when no one is looking._

_They become friends because Zhou mi tries very very hard, and Kyuhyun loves that._

_He becomes a frequent visitor in Zhou mi’s dorm room, they watch movies, games and share buckets of fried chicken between them._

_There are times when their skin brushes against each other, and Kyuhyun lingers a second too long for it to be accidental. Sometimes he’d stay the night and those mornings are the best for Zhou mi, since he would wake up to Kyuhyun’s dozing face and steady sound of his breathing right next to him on the tiny dorm bed._

_Sometimes Kyuhyun fucks Zhou mi into the squeaky dorm mattress, when he finishes he’d plant a chaste kiss on him before Zhou mi falls asleep._

_Those mornings, Zhou mi wakes up alone._

 

 _T_ _here are periods of time when Kyuhyun would disappear; not replying to messages and Zhou mi knows better to call._

_They only last a few weeks, months at most- because they only last as long as Kyuhyun’s relationships._

_Because he doesn’t need Zhou mi during those times, but Zhou mi pushes the thought away to the back of his mind and attends all his classes, selects his outfit carefully every day and takes extra care to eat all his meals, pretending he couldn’t care less._

_Since they’re friends._

_Only friends._

_Then Kyuhyun will return again with a soft knock on his door, broken or upset or angry over another failed relationship, another girl who lost interest so quickly and Zhou mi will let him fix himself on him. He smiles and opens the door for him, falls into the bed sheets beneath him, eager to please because he knows Kyuhyun loves that._

 

This Christmas, Zhou mi is in Korea so he doesn’t need to time the hours.

He sends the text out when the clock strikes midnight and pushes the phone into his coat pocket.

A few minutes later, he takes it out again from between the thick layers and slips it into the thinner pocket of his jeans. Just in case.

Sungmin frowns at him worriedly from across the table.

“It’s been a long time, Mi.” He says softly, and Zhou mi laughs “Yes it’s been a few years since I’ve been back. How have you been?”

“It’s been a long time.” Sungmin repeats, and Zhou mi smiles at him like he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

 

_There is one Christmas Eve when Kyuhyun is there and somehow no one else is._

_They spend it in Zhou mi’s room doing nothing much in particular;  they only drink moderate amounts of alcohol because there seems to be no point when it’s just two people._

_They’re watching Love Actually because Zhou mi insists, and Kyuhyun snorts into his drink when Mark professes his love for Juliet silently, flipping through his cue cards._

_"What a sap!" “What? It’s romantic!” Zhou mi exclaimed defensively with a pout. Suddenly, Kyuhyun kisses him and Zhou mi lets him in all too easily, the taste of cheap beer mingling between their tongues as they frantically undress each other._

_He wakes up the next morning with Kyuhyun tangled in his arms._ _“Merry Christmas!” he is too happy, and he thinks this is the best Christmas ever._

_Kyuhyun hums lazily in reply and wraps his arms tight around the lanky body._

_Zhou mi wants to pinch himself, but he doesn’t. If it were a dream- he doesn’t want to wake up._

 

 _There is another Christmas during college when Kyuhyun isn't there._   _In the states to see his mom who moved there after the bad divorce with his dad._

_Zhou mi asks for his schedule and marks it on his calendar._

_He sends the message on Kakao talk in the afternoon of Christmas day, 14 hours ahead of New York time- he calculated it carefully._

_He tries to forget it the rest of the day, doesn’t take out his phone and checks if Kyuhyun had read it or not and goes to Sungmin’s house party- It was a miracle his parents trusted him to the house again after last time, Zhou mi wonders if he’d get a miracle too._

_He gets a reply by evening, while Donghae was pushing bottles of beer in his hands and attempting the shove another down Henry’s throat._

_The reply was short- “Merry Christmas.” But it was sufficient._

_“Oh hey that brat actually wished me a Merry Christmas!” Sungmin was half drunk, waving his phone in triumph._

_“Kyuhyun? I got one too! It was short though.” Ryeowook was less drunk but on a buzz, beaming happily._ _“_

_Hah! Me too, he probably just copy and pasted-” Someone else says something but Zhou mi doesn’t hear anymore, he smiles and pushes the bottle past his lips and drinks until he falls._

 

 

 

  
_Merry Christmas_ _I wrapped it up and sent it_

_With a note saying 'I love you,' I meant it_

_Now I know what a fool I've been_

_But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again_

 

_When Kyuhyun comes back, he doesn’t contact Zhou mi for a month._

_“There is a girl.” Sungmin tells him, patting his hand softly “They met on the plane ride back, she was interested and asked him how his Christmas was and they hit off.”_ _And he falls silent, eyes full of worry._

_Zhou mi doesn’t ask him how he knows- about the girl or about him._

_“Oh.” He only answers will a small smile “I understand.”_

 

 _Kyuhyun knocks softly on his door another month later, but he doesn’t step in when Zhou mi opens it for him with smiling eyes._ _“_

_Zhou mi…we can't keep doing this.” Kyuhyun mumbles as he avoids looking at him._

_“We’re graduating soon, you’re going back to China and I…we should end whatever we were doing.”_

_“Sorry.” He says again, after silence. He finally looks up “We’re still friends right?”_

_“Sure.” Zhou mi shrugs, as casually as he can. “It’s whatever.” He smiles a bit too happily and Kyuhyun sighs with relief._

 

 

 

  
_I thought you were someone to rely on_

_Me, I guess I was a shoulder to cry on_

 

This Christmas Zhou mi is in China again, and Kyuhyun is as well.

For business or vacation, he doesn’t say but Zhou mi gets a message on his phone before he sends one out.

“Let’s meet.”

He doesn’t take extra time to select his outfit because he was trying to impress, he doesn’t spend more time than he should in front of the mirror wondering if he should put his hair up or down because he wants Kyuhyun to look at him and regret what he’d missed, he doesn’t even rehearse the lines he will say when they meet because he wanted to sound as casual and uncaring as possible, Zhou mi tries to convince himself this in his head.

The meeting doesn’t turn out awkward at all.

Because they’re friends. Zhou mi smiles and talks, washes the bitterness down his throat with wine.

Kyuhyun takes his arm and leads him to his hotel room with a soft gaze, sweeps his clean bangs from his forehead and kisses him tenderly on his neck while he thrusts into him and whispers in his ear just like the first time he’d fucked him in Sungmin’s house.

Zhou mi cries as he comes in Kyuhyun’s hand, and he leans down to kiss the tears away.

 

Kyuhyun tells him of his troubles that night, both of them naked under the sheets.

There's a girl, he says.

One that he should be responsible for after so many years of a relationship, she cares for him and he cares for her too, but it’s been too many years for them to still stay invested into each other.

Then there’s another girl- one that just started at Kyuhyun’s work that is so energetic and youthful and so interesting.

So _interested_ , Kyuhyun doesn’t say it but Zhou mi knows Kyuhyun loves that the most.

Kyuhyun sighs into the crook of his neck. “What can I do?”

Zhou mi doesn’t reply and soon Kyuhyun’s breathing steadies, hitting the bare skin of his neck in puffs.

He detangles himself from Kyuhyun’s arms and gets dressed.

He goes home, throws out his outfit and washes his hair.

Then he cleans his whole house, even the bathroom, even the unseen nooks and crannies of the kitchen- he sweeps out all the dust, wipes down all the dirt and scrubs at the surface repeatedly.

When he’s done, he opens his most expensive bottle of whiskey and drinks until he throws up in the sink.

He passes out in the bathtub.

When he wakes up, he scrubs at the sink all over again until he can see his reflection.

Kyuhyun messages to tell him so when he leaves to go back to Korea, Zhou mi doesn’t reply.

He goes to a hair salon and cuts off his bangs.

 

The next Christmas, Zhou mi is riding Kyuhyun on his hotel bed in Seoul, the ring on Kyuhyun’s fourth finger digs into his hips where Kyuhyun is gripping him as he lowers himself onto Kyuhyun earnestly, throwing his head back in a silent scream.

“I had to make a decision,” Kyuhyun whispers in his ear when they’re done “It’s for the best for everyone. I’m at the age to settle down.”

“I understand.” Zhou mi answers quietly, even when he knows he isn’t the one Kyuhyun is trying to convince.

“You did the right thing.” Kyuhyun kisses him after that.

 

Then the next year, Kyuhyun’s ring finger is empty, the Christmas lights of Beijing are getting more extravagant by year and an animated Santa Claus is laughing at them through the windows of Zhou mi’s apartment.

“She deserves better.” He explains, his bare fingers sliding out of Zhou mi’s entrance, Zhou mi nods “She does”

It breaks into a moan when Kyuhyun thrusts hard into him without warning.

When he reaches his climax, Zhou mi breathes out an “I love you.”

Kyuhyun rides out his orgasm silently, he tries kissing away Zhou mi’s tears, but they don’t stop.

Zhou mi wakes up alone and wonders why some things never change. Kyuhyun messages him when he is at the airport waiting for his flight to Korea.

Zhou mi calls him, the ringtone rings almost an eighth time before Kyuhyun picks up.

“There was one Christmas.” Zhou mi says immediately, his voice was quivering. “When I woke up and you were there, then I thought maybe, just maybe- there was a chance that you’d stay.”

“Zhou-“

Zhou mi cuts him off, his voice steadier.

“Then there was another Christmas where you were gone. And you came back, but you never stayed…Every Christmas, I was told I get a wish. Sometimes I wish I can wake up and forget about you. Sometimes I wish you’d think of me and regret it. But most times, I wish you’d turn around and see me and love me back.”

He paused, the other end of the line was silent, only the heavy breathing telling him there is someone still listening, he continued anyway.

“There was one year, I got drunk and I booked myself to see a therapist. I forgot about it the next day until they rang me to remind me, I went anyway. The therapist’s name is Kim Heechul and he’s awfully blunt and too mean to be a therapist if you ask me. But I told him about you anyway because I was so desperate and I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t tell anyone. He told me I should stop being an idiot, that I only cling onto you because of regrets and I’d probably stop wanting you the moment you say you love me back. He told me I could probably get anyone I wanted.”

He was ranting now, words coming out of his mouth too fast.

“But I didn’t want anyone else. I only wanted you. I didn’t want to be your friend- only a friend but if that meant I can still be at your side then it didn’t matter, I can be a friend, or friends with benefits- whatever you wanted as long as I can have you, even for just a moment…”

“We met eight Christmases ago and I have been in love with you for eight years.”

He was choking up on his words now, closing his eyes as the tears fell and last words leaves his mouth in a mere whisper.

“Eight years.”

The line falls silent all together until Kyuhyun coughs.

“…Zhou mi..uh, I-I really need to go now. They’re calling my name.”

He was received by a pause of silence, then

“Of course.” Zhou mi laughs, a little hysterical “Of course. I understand.”

“Uh, I…I will call you when I arrive in Korea. I-I..”

“Please don’t.” Zhou mi breaths.

“No, Zhou mi-“

“Please.” Zhou mi pleads, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to say.

“Don’t come back.”

“I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t know if Zhou mi heard him because hangs up and Kyuhyun is staring into the phone in his hands until they call his name again, he picks up his luggage and walks to boarding.

_A face on a lover with a fire in his heart_

_A man undercover but you tore him apart_

_Maybe next year I'll give it to someone_

_I'll give it to someone special_

 

The next year, Zhou mi does not message Kyuhyun a Merry Christmas.

But Kyuhyun shows up at his doorstep, knocking loudly with snowflakes falling off his hair. Zhou mi is tempted to slam the door in his face, but Kyuhyun is holding an A3 sketch pad in front of him. Zhou mi stops, and Kyuhyun smiles at him hopefully, holds out the pad further.

_“There was one Christmas I woke up next to you, and I felt like I wanted to stay. So I ran away.”_

It reads, Zhou mi stares at it for a while before Kyuhyun flips the page.

_“There was another Christmas when I was away, so I averted my attention.”_

Zhou mi frowns and he flips again

_“Many times, I wake up and forget about you. But then I’d think of you again and I’d regret what I missed. But I convince myself otherwise.”_

Zhou mi sighs and looks like he wants to say something, but Kyuhyun shakes his head. Another page.

_“I wanted to stay friends with you, because then you’d never lose interest. And I can always come back.”_

Flip.

_“I don't believe in wishes, so I come back every year to be sure.”_

Flip.

_“I went and saw Kim Heechul, I know I have the right one because he was mean.”_

Flip.

_“But he told me it was because of my parents' divorce and my lack of affection as a child. He made me talk to my parents and they cried a lot and apologized. ”_

Zhou mi gasped silently. “Kyu-“ Kyuhyun frowned at him and flipped the page insistently.

_“I don’t even know why but I thought about you then and suddenly I really wanted you to be there.”_

Flip.

_“Heechul told me afterwards he still thinks you are too good for me. I agree.”_

Flip.

_“So I got scared.”_

His hesitates for a moment.

_“I was afraid that what he told you was right, that the second I reciprocate anything, you’d lose interest. Because I only mean regrets for you.”_

Zhou mi is still looking at him like he could not comprehend what he was reading and for a second Kyuhyun panics and wonders that maybe Zhou mi had forgotten all his Korean. But he pushes on anyway.

_“But if that's the case I don’t want you to only be regrets for me too.”_

He stops, the longest pause since he had started flipping through the pad, his hand hovers above the corner or the paper, then he flips another page.

_“We met nine Christmases ago, and I don’t know if I’m even capable of falling in love at all.”_

He swallows, lowering his sketch pad. “But if I do I want it to be with you.” Kyuhyun opens his mouth to say. “So…” He flips the final page.

_“Please give me a chance?”_

He says this out loud too and Zhou mi looks at him, a long measuring while and Kyuhyun holds his gaze even.

They stand like this for a while, Zhou mi’s hand is still on his door that he can slam shut in his face any second but he doesn’t.

They stare at each other and Kyuhyun stays standing even though a small voice in his brain is screaming at him to run away before he can do himself any damage.

The apartment beside Zhou mi’s must be having a party, because their speakers are on full blast and they can hear it all too clearly through the walls.

 

 

 

  
_Maybe next year I'll give it to someone_

_I'll give it to someone special_

_Who'll give me something in return_

_Hold my heart and watch it burn_

 

The tenth Christmas, they spend it in Zhou mi's apartment, Love Actually comes on the TV and Kyuhyun immediately turns it off, much to Zhou mi's amusement.

"You're cute." Zhou mi leans down and presses a chaste kiss on his lips, somehow he manages to ease the remote out of his hands, "I love this movie though."

He pulls back and Keira Knightley's face flickers on the screen, he holds Kyuhyun's hand to stop him from getting to the remote again.

Kyuhyun scoffs but he tangles his fingers around the slender ones, brings the hand to his mouth and kisses it without thought. Zhou mi beams at him "What a sap."

Kyuhyun grins back and kisses the back of his hand again, making sure to make a smooching noise.

 

Fortunately for him, Zhou mi falls asleep on his shoulder before the cue card confession scene, and Kyuhyun flicks off the TV silently.

He stares at the sleeping face Zhou mi's lips are a soft smile even in his sleep and it feels like something in Kyuhyun's chest squeezes his heart.

Maybe this is love. Kyuhyun thinks he's okay with that.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So pretty much this is like the adult angst version of the last fic.  
> I can't believe I wrote angst on Christmas Eve Q.Q  
> THis was kind of inspired by Aronnax's "A Year After Summer" and "All The Lights That Lead" So I blame her for writing such good fics then disappearing :/
> 
> I was going to end the story with Zhou mi never contacting Kyuhyun again and they only meet again in Sungmin's party years later and Kyuhyun finds out that Zhou mi is happily married.  
> But it's Christmas Eve, I can't go all out angst.  
> I'm starting to kind of think all my angsty fics are the same. I don't even know why I always portray Mi as the one in unrequited love and Kyuhyun as the dick. Maybe it's because deep down I always think that Mi tries harder at whatever relationship (platonic or what) him and Kyuhyun have.  
> Don't worry, I'm not an emo kid in real life.  
> Although I do cut my hair when I get sad. I lock myself in my wardrobe too.


End file.
